• The Hopefulist

Are you in denial?

I was watching Dr. Phil years ago when he said that your love life is exactly how the one you feel worthy of. Being that I was in my 30's and still single that really pissed me off. I thought knew I deserved love and the type of relationship that I'd always dreamed of but it wasn't happening. I also kept holding out hope that once I found that relationship everything would fall perfectly into place. That didn't happen either.

It turns out Dr. Phil was right (and man did I hate that). It turns out that it was much more deep seeded than I every guessed. It was more than just believing I was worthy of a great relationship. It was how I felt about myself. My self esteem and self worth. Turns out I didn't have a lot of that. I have always come across as confident and outgoing but I really was very self conscious and anxious about what people thought of me. I let it rule my world for so long.

From issues that I'd been dealing with since childhood I think I was feeling insecure about myself and the kind of love I deserved. I had issues of abandonment. I thought I was supposed to be in control. I often made high demands of the men in my life because I was teaching them how to treat me. It often didn't go well. For many reasons I still haven't fully discovered I didn't feel worthy of the type of relationship I now have.

Lucky for me I married a saint and he stuck with me through all the many issues I had in the first years of our marriage. I honestly thought that being married was going to bring me all the happiness I had been craving my whole life. And when that didn't happen I immediately thought I made a mistake in getting married. Then the shame that was piled on top of that for screwing up my husbands life. And how his family would hate me when I inevitably filed for divorce because I had known his family since grade school. It and I was a mess. It took me a few more years to discover that it wasn't the marriage that was making me unhappy. It was the fact that I was banking on that to make me happy for 40 years and when it didn't happen I thought I had failed. It turns out that getting married doesn't automatically make an unhappy person...happy.

I was in denial about the status of my life. I held on to the belief that marriage would make me whole and happy for so long that I couldn't even fathom that the problem was me. It turns out that being happy was always my job. I was always in charge of that. And once I figured that out and how to go about being happier every day I realized it was never a thing that was going to make me happy...I had to create it myself.

So, what is the point to this long story? I was in denial. For a very long time about many different things. About creating happiness. About how relationships should work and what I expected from them. And it's not just about relationships. It's about everything in your life. Your deep seeded beliefs that have ruled most of your life are affecting everything. The type of parent you are, partner, finances, the routines you have and what you really think about yourself deep down inside. The so deep down that you rarely visit and hardly know at all.

We are so afraid to delve into our subconscious and what we are doing on a subliminal level because it's scary. It's uncomfortable and can bring up a whole array of feelings we don't want to face or explore. It is typically painful to think about things that made you the way you are. Whether it be your upbringing or something awful that happened that shaped your world. But if you don't address it you will never be able to change it. Most of these feelings are buried so deep we don't even realize how they are affecting us. And trust me they are affecting your life.

For example...how are your finances? Are you feeling the pinch of not having enough money? Maybe it has something to do with how you were raised around money? Did your parents have a hard time paying their bills? That may leave you with a feeling that you'll never have enough money. And therefore you don't believe you are worthy of making a lot of money and you act accordingly. I know this sounds woo woo but I believe your thoughts and subconscious mind run our worlds and the scariest part is most of us don't even realize what our true thoughts about ourselves are. Because again, it's uncomfortable and even painful.

In order to discover those deep down fears and limiting beliefs you need to journal. You need to figure out how these old beliefs are holding you back and how you can change your thoughts to be more empowering. I know, I know. No one wants to journal. It's time consuming. It's annoying when you can't think about what to write. It even hurts your hand when you are used to writing so much. But here's thing....I just started doing something called morning pages. It's two to three pages first thing every morning. And it's purpose is to just free write whatever comes into your mind. That leads you to dealing with feelings that are likely stuck in your head and holding you back from being all you can be. If you can't think of anything to write at all you are to write; "I have nothing to write about" for two to three pages and likely something will come. I think the amount is a bit long because it takes some time to get to those thoughts and beliefs that are truly holding you back. Because we don't want to deal with them and confront them because it's scary. But it's the only way to grow and the only way to truly get the life you want.

Will you give it a try? It's best to do it first thing in the morning, hence morning pages but I think it's fine if you can do it whenever you can fit it in...as long as you do it. What do you think? Give it a shot for one week and see what you unearth? You have nothing to lose except a little time and a whole new world to gain. I hope you give it a try.

If you think you could benefit from some guidance during this process consider personal positivity training. I work with you to uncover those limiting beliefs and help you work toward the life you design for yourself and your family. Just check out the details at hopefulist.com/training to arrange your free call.

Thank you for tuning in today. No go out there and be badass this week. I'm always here cheering you on!

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