• The Hopefulist

Dear Mom

Dear mom,

I wish. I wish things could have been different between us. I wish it hadn’t been so hard to communicate with each other. I wish we hadn’t been so much alike that we often clashed and became frustrated with each other. I wish that we both weren’t so stubborn that we wouldn’t talk for months at a time, in an attempt, to prove our side was the right one. I wish that we could have had a better relationship. I wish we could have loved each other just the way we were.

I wish our relationship didn’t get worse over the years instead of better. I wish that you hadn’t given up on me and the belief that we could find a way to be active in each other’s lives. I wish I didn’t feel like I constantly disappointed you. I wish I didn’t always feel like a horrible daughter. I wish I could have been what you wanted me to be.

I wish I could have made you understand that I didn’t want to live my life as a pessimist or victim like you. I wish you would have been open to the lessons I was learning on how to live happier, more fulfilled. I wish I would have been able to help you live a happier life. I wish you would have been more interested in the path I was trying to take, that I wanted more, that I didn’t want to sit in front of the television all day, that I didn’t want to sit around and complain all day, that I didn’t want to judge and gossip about other people because, in essence, it was all due to jealousy. I wish I wouldn’t have hurt your feelings when I told you I couldn’t be around all the negativity anymore. I wish I could have made you understand the struggle I had with feeling naturally inclined to focus on the negative but working so hard to see the positive. I wish you had really understood, that days and weeks of work on my part to improve my attitude and outlook, could come undone in one bitch session with you. I wish you had understood when I told you having those sessions were like quicksand pulling me down into negativity and I didn’t want to go there.

I wish that when you encouraged me to be a strong, financially independent woman who didn’t need a man to take care of her, you wouldn’t end up resenting me for it. I wish that it didn’t seem like you were threatened by the victories in my life instead of being happy for me. I wish that when something good happened for me you would have focused on how it was good for me instead of how it wasn’t what you wanted. I wish that when I was making my dreams come true you would have felt pride and happiness instead of resenting me for being able to figure it out. I wish that when I didn’t pick what you wanted it didn’t mean I was rejecting you. I wish you knew that I still wanted to be a part of your life even if I didn’t want to be around your negativity. I wish you wouldn’t have thought that if things couldn’t be your way, then you lost. I wish it wouldn’t have hurt you so much when my voice became more prominent than yours in my own head. I wish you had wanted better for me than for yourself.

I wish you knew that I was finally remembering more of the good times while going through pictures for your funeral service. I wish you knew that I delivered a speech that honored you. I wish you knew that I felt like I lost a piece of me when you left us. I wish you knew that we all decorated your house for Christmas and spent the holiday with your husband since you were so worried he would be alone once you were gone. I wish you knew how much it hurt to find out you decided to cut me out of your will. I wish I didn’t feel like it was one last way for you to punish me. I wish you knew that will always be the last memory I have of you. I wish you knew that your final message to me will always be that I wasn’t good enough.


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