• The Hopefulist

Don't play the victim!

That's right...I'm talking to you. It's time for some tough talk. Part of living with intention is to direct your life where you want it to go. Forward. That is where you should have your focus. Not backward. We get so bogged down in the what if's and the why's we often get stuck and can't go anywhere. Is this you at all? Do you ever or often ask "why"? Why did this happen to me? Why did things go this way? Why aren't we friends anymore? Why didn't he love me? Do any of these questions sound familiar to you?

Asking why has a purpose. It helps us to understand. It can give us closure. If we don't deal with the issues surrounding the why it's hard to get past it. If you can't seem to get an answer or the closure you are looking for, it's time to move along doggie. There will often be times that there just won't be a good answer. It won't help us to get stuck in the why me. You are casting yourself as a victim. And maybe you are a victim. But only you can move on from that mentality. Only you have the power to either learn from it or move past it.

I have parents who are uninvolved in my life. Neither of them seemed very interested in what I was doing as an adult. Why? I have no idea. To boot, it's both of them. I am so envious of people who have one really caring parent, let alone two! Maybe it had something to do with their upbringing. Maybe it was the way they handled trauma in their life. Maybe they have a personality order. Whatever the issue is...revisiting the situation and staying stuck in the unfairness is only hurting....wait for it....YOU. That's right. If you can't figure out why things worked out the way they did...and I urge you to seek therapy if you are stuck...then you need to find a way to put it behind you and move on with your life. Maybe you had a crappy upbringing, maybe you didn't get the same opportunities that other kids did, maybe you were raised withe terrible habits that mean you are unhealthy. That sucks and is a shame but it's time to get over it. Don't let your parents rob you of anymore of the life you truly deserve by being mad and crying; "why me?"

I chose a field to work in that is notoriously tough. People get fired all the time for absolutely no reason. I've lost many jobs that had nothing to do with the work I do. I have found myself out of job because the radio station got bought by another company. When a contract ran out and even when some companies went out of business altogether. Yet, there are people in my business that have had the same position for 20 plus years. What is the difference between them and me? Are they better at their job than me? Possibly. Do they have a close relationship with the powers that be? Maybe. Did they just land at the right place at the right time? Probably. I'm not saying you shouldn't examine your work habits and see if those other people do more than you. Seem more committed than you. Or are willing to whatever is asked of them. But if it's not any of those things...complaining about how unfair things are will get you absolutely no where. There is a time for it.There is a period where crying, screaming and even feeling sorry for yourself is absolutely called for and you are entitled to it. But if you can't figure out the exact reasons why, then move on. Don't let a bad situation define your life.

I've talked about losing friends in the past. It hurts me more than anything to lose a friend. I take it harder than going through a break up. When a couple breaks up it's usually because they aren't happy with how they life is going. And you are a huge part of their life. But when it comes to friends....you only spend a certain amount of time with them. So, when I lose a friend I think...how awful must I be for someone to never want to be around me? Someone who I used to spend a lot of time with. Here's the deal. It's likely you will never know the true reason. I have come up with some of my own explanations and whether they are true or not, I don't really know. But it's the best I could come up and it helps me to move on. I've lost friends because of jealousy. I've lost friends because I pissed them off and they decided not to forgive me. I've lost friends because their spouse didn't like me. It goes on and on. And the fact is...it will likely happen again. But it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. Nor is there something wrong with you. But if you keep wallowing in the unfairness and ruminating over what happened...you won't be able to move past it and find the new squad of friends you are supposed to be hanging out with.

The next time you find yourself saying, "why me?" Stop and ask how that is helping you in the life you are living right now. What is playing the victim doing for your life? I'm sure it isn't much. It might make you feel better about your situation but it will never improve if you won't start to do things differently. How can you move forward in spite of all the unfairness you've been dealt to live the life of your dreams? That has to be your focus. Forward focus.

Oh, my...it's "I wish it were cocktail Friday" Thursday! We are almost there people! Are you playing the victim? Nobody wants to be admit to this but it can set you free once you do. Now go out there and be a badass! I'm right here....cheering you on!

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