• The Hopefulist

Life after Divorce

I am not divorced. I have never been divorced so I know there are certain issues I can't relate to. But it's such an important thing to discuss in our world today. It's something that affects us deeply and changes our whole world when it happens. All the feelings (which there are so many) are so raw and everyday feels like a new challenge. It affects your lifestyle, you emotionally being, your children and potentially your relationship with them, financials and so much more.

Most people seem to be primarily concerned about the well being of their children, how it will affect their lives and to what extent that relationship may change. Because if you and your spouse will be living separately from now on, as most split couples do, you'll potentially see your kids half the time or less than you currently do. Another big fear is how your, soon to be ex, will speak about you to the kids or in front of the kids. Even the greatest of intentions to stay civil can sometimes veer off course.

I've been taking this online course given by Dean Grazioso who is a business guru who has made millions on his own projects and now teaches others who to do it. He was telling the story about when him and his wife decided to divorce. He said he was suddenly having panic attacks and he wasn't sure why at first. After some time he realized it had to do with his relationship with his kids and how that was going to change. He worried that he wouldn't get to spend as much time with them. He worried they would think differently about him. He worried his wife would bad mouth him to the kids and potentially change their opinion of him. Once he got all his fears straight in his head, he realized all of them came down to one major issue. If he could take care of this one issue than the rest would fall into to place. He realized he had to get along and be friends with his wife through the divorce and after. He realized if he worked with her instead of against her she would be more willing to change up schedules and make the kids available on her weeks if he was out of town during his. He realized if they got along then she wouldn't bad mouth him and make him look bad.

How do you go about doing that though? He said, it wasn't always easy. He reminded himself to always hear her out and validate her feelings. Always try to compromise and come up with a solution they could both live with. Be nice...you get more flies with honey, than vinegar. That's the saying, right? I know a lot of a plan like this depends on the other person. But can you think of a way to go about dealing with them that will make them feel honored and respected (as much as you may not want to) in order to get the result you are looking for. Is there a way to give up a little of something you want in order to have a little peace with your children's co-parent? Dean realized if he was able to be friends with his ex, they would be able to work together. They would both give and take in order to help the other out as much as possible. And since they were friendly there would be a lot less fear of getting badmouthed by the other parent.

Does any of this seem possible for you or would have been possible? Think back on it now and how it could have possibly been different if one or the both of you would have taken a different tack. Take your ego out of the equation and think about the kids. Once you have that under control, the rest hopefully won't seem so hard.

You can try this with any situation you may have. Think of a solution that can take away the majority of the problems you are facing. Is there such a solution? Think long and hard about it. It could be just the thing you wished you had all along. The hardest part is getting over your ego. Letting go of issues that don't really matter anymore since you aren't together. Issues that likely broke you apart. So don't keep digging your feet in now when you need to get along most. For the sake of your kids and your relationship with them. One solution can take away all those concerns. You just may have to give a little more than you used to. More understanding, less control, less anger and bitterness. See how it goes.

It's Taco Tuesday already. Grab a taco and enjoy! Think about an ongoing problem you've been having. Is there one big solution to help with numerous problems? Something to think about. Go kick some butt today and make today, your best day yet!

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